Earlier this week I’d posted a blog promising the story of the time that I shit my pants. I feel as though my thirteenth blog is the most appropriate for this story, as it was Friday the 13th when it happened. Fair warning, this story is long, and it is gross.
For a semester, I commuted to college. An hour on the train in the morning, and an hour home in the evening. This particular day the train was getting very crowded, very fast. With 4 stops left before our final destination, there was standing room only for new passengers. Of course it was this moment that my body decided to tell me it needed to go. In no way I was going to give up my seat because it would surely be gone by the time I got back. In retrospect, standing on the train doesn’t seem so bad. I decided to hold it, and immediately book it to the bathroom upon exiting the train.
When we made it to the city I did as I promised myself. I got off the train as fast as I could, and I went into the bathroom. This particular men’s room was equipped with 8 stalls. I shit you not (no pun intended) every single one was filled. I decided to hold it again. I blame the fact that I was 18 on my horrible decision making skills on this dreadful day. I started my 1 mile walk to school, thinking I would make it.
School was in sight. I could see University Hall just over yonder and I was going to make it.
Then I didn’t.
Right in the middle of the bridge, everything went south. I wish I could say it wasn’t that bad, that it was a “light load.” Instead, I am displeased to inform you that this was one of the largest shits I will ever take as a human. I froze. I could feel it all over my left leg, dripping down my pant leg and into my shoe. I got myself together and I hobbled my way into a nearby Staples, in the hopes that I could clean up in their restroom.
I think I was still in complete shock when I made it into the bathroom. Fortunately it was a single person bathroom, and I didn’t have to worry about anyone barging in on me and my soiled pants. I called my best friend and begged her to take at least 4 hours out of her day to get on a train and bring me pants. She almost did it, until she realized what a complete waste of time that would be. Instead, she gave me tough love and told me to find a Walgreens and buy myself some sweatpants, and then go home–which is exactly what i did.
In the process of cleaning myself up, I didn’t realize just how much damage I’d done to this bathroom. The toilet was undoubtedly clogged, and there was nothing I could do about it. As soon as I was finished cleaning up, about 30 minutes later, I exited the bathroom hurriedly, leaving behind a condemnable mess, and my socks and underwear. Whoever had to clean that mess up, if you happen to be reading, I am so sorry. For what it’s worth, I probably still had a worse day than you.
To top it all off–the song that happened to be playing on my headphones at the exact time of the “shitsplosion” was Kelly Clarkson’s “A Moment Like This.”